Okay, people, listen up!
I've been looking up at the Modern Sonic vs. Classic Sonic debate for quite some time. I've had people trying to persuade me as to whether Classic Sonic is good or not.
Well, I've put in a lot of thought on the debate, and I've made a decision.
Classic Sonic is as masterful as people say.
I mean, look at it. Let's put on Sonic 1. Take a look at how slow Sonic's traveling. Isn't that so cool?
Sonic 2 is great, but look at Sonic 3 & Knuckles. Playing it is just too amazing. Now I know why a lot of people love it. Chaos Emeralds, nice story, Knuckles appearing, a lot of platforming, et cetera. IT IS GODLY! No other Sonic game's as good as this one. PERIOD.
But then, look at Modern Sonic. Sonic Adventure's good, and SA2...sort of...if it weren't for those STUPID treasure hunting stages and shooters. But now look at the franchise. Look at Modern Sonic. It's all going downhill now.
LOOK WHAT SEGA'S DOING TO THEIR MOST POPULAR FRANCHISE!
Seriously, Sonic Heroes, Shadow, Sonic the Disaster, and so on. Look at their chain of games. Take a look at them, even Advance and Rush.
Do you know what they have in common?
They're all CRAP!
I mean, seriously, play them. Are they all fun? HELL, NO!
Take a look at Sonic Heroes. Too much speed. Too HARD to play, DAMMIT. Plus, Shadow returned. ARGH! Why couldn't he just DIE already?!
Shadow the Hedgehog: Guns, aliens. Unfitting, period. And Shadow is the star of the GAME!? Good God almighty, why did that piece of crap of a character have to have his own damn GAME?
Sonic the Disaster: ...Okay, NEXT!
Secret Rings and Black Knight: Okay, Sega, why the HELL is Eggman NOT the villain in the games? You broke an unwritten code, you ingrates! Eggman is supposed to be THE villain in the games. Anyone other character that becomes a villain is pointless and RUINS the damn game already! And Shahra's just WORTHLESS, for Cripe's, sake, just like that little ripoff of a villain, Merlina. Mario always has Bowser in the games, so why can't YOU do it, Sega? You disappoint me greatly, Sega. But how about your cheap on-rails control? I can't control Sonic! Hell, I can't even control the Homing Attack or sword-swinging. The Wii Remote waggles and attacks the demons by itself. The games automatically SUCK! Worst games EVER.
Brotherhood: Ugh! Crappy MUSIC. *bleeding ears* Sega, Bioware, how many times did I have to TELL YOU? Sonic does NOT fit in an RPG! Your game failed before it was even began production! And Bioware didn't learn Sega's mistake; aliens do NOT -- FIT -- IN -- A -- SONIC -- GAME! The idea of a separate dimension doesn't cut it! And Eggman has teamed up with SONIC? Oh, brilliant. Talk about a diabolical scheme. */sarcasm* Bioware was literally drunk when they created this idea. *points at the barrels of Molsen beer*
Hell, even UNLEASHED sucks. The day stages are too automated. The game controls ITSELF. The QTEs, quickstep, running, Homing Attack, EVERYTHING! And there's too little platforming. The X-Box 360 controller's doing all the work. I'm just sitting back and watching the game unfold. Look, I taped the analog stick forward, and then when the game became a sidescroller, I taped it to the right. Hell, the controller even presses the buttons by itself. That's NOT how a Sonic game's supposed to be played. I wanna play it, NOT the controller! *chucks 360 controller out the window and plays PS3 version* And the Werehog levels are too long! It doesn't fit into a Sonic game. The Werehog's too damned SLOW! Sonic gameplay's supposed to be slow, but not THIS slow! Too much platforming, too. Plus, he's a God of War CLONE! Everything about the Werehog reminds me about God of War. The only thing missing is a lot of blood. ARGH! BOTH gameplays suck.
Now take a good look at all the new characters.
Like Elise. WHAT THE HELL?! SHE KISSES SONIC?! BESTIALITY! NOT IN MY SERIES! OUT, OUT OUT!!
Jet, Wave, and Storm: They're all clones.
a. Jet: clone of Sonic.
b. Wave: clone of Tails.
c. Storm: clone of Knuckles's personality and Big's design.
UNWANTED! Unnecessary. It doesn't matter if it's a spinoff. They're unnecessary and deserve to DIE.
Chip: If he's cute...then why is his ENGLISH VOICE TOO DAMNED DEEP?! Also, Chip is a worthless piece of dog doo-doo and deserves to die, too, just like that furry, Elise! And, no, being a god doesn't count, as all Modern games suck! Classic Sonic's God around here. He's the worst character of 2008. BOO!
Silver's stupid, too. He's a clone of Trunks. He copied the white color of my BOXERS, dammit! *shakes fist at Sega*
Talk about a dumb Sonic clone.
Look at him. He's black and has spines that bend upward, like Super Sonic. He runs fast like Sonic, knows about the Chaos Emeralds better than Sonic, uses Chaos Emeralds better than Sonic, and can kick Sonic's butt. And he's too overpowered. Chaos Control, Chaos Blast, Chaos Boost. Chaos Spear. Whatever. He can manipulate the CHAOS EMERALDS, too? And Sonic CAN'T? BULL RUBBISH!
And his personality. It's so emo. Emo and ANGSTY. Way too angsty for my tastes. He doesn't cut himself, but he's still emo. Even in games after SA2, he's still angsty. Hell, he's even emo because of his godforsaken black fur and blood red highlights. He's a flat, dumb character that's dragging the series down the toilet!
Plus, he looks exactly like Sonic. Screw the fact that Shadow looking a lot like Sonic was important to the plotline of Sonic Adventure 2. He's a stupid, pointless character to start with! The series doesn't need him! He needs to go to hell where he belongs!
And anyone who disagrees with me is an automatic Shadow fanbrat, which makes up about 70% of the fanbase.
And what about the Modern Sonic gameplay?
They're NOT following the Classic roots.
I mean, seriously, let's disect it, shall we?
The platforming: There's no platforming in the games, even the spinoffs. How can there be a Sonic game when he's not stuck on a train platform reading the newspaper all day?
Also, vertical exploration. Sonic jumps up on the spring. Now he needs a ladder to climb up vertically.
Any Modern game that doesn't follow the Classic roots automatically SUCK! They need to be thrown away and forever forgotten.
Plus, look at Sega's latest line of games! Sonic's in a bunch of 'em. Sega makes two to three Sonic games per year! This does NOT include compilations of past games. Sega, WHY ARE YOU PROSTITUTING YOUR OWN FRANCHISE? YOU DIDN'T DO THAT IN THE '90s!
Technically, there were many more Sonic games from the Classic Era than the Modern Era, but the Classics can't do wrong.
Also, Nintendo technically cash-cows Mario more. Nintendo produces three times more Mario games than Sonic games per year most of the time. But because Mario and Nintendo are the gods of the video game universe, they don't count.
Sega, what have you done?
Because of your actions, the Sonic series is dying.
SEGA, YOU'RE KILLING SONIC!
You promised that Unleashed was the "saving grace," but instead, you've made it WORSE! First, bestiality, werehogs, airboard, and swords.
NOW YOU'RE MAKING HIM DRIVE?!
Sonic does NOT need to drive a car, damn it! He can still run (although slowly) and can STILL beat everybody to the checkered flag. No one's played it, and I already know it's a Mario Kart ripoff. (Other kart games have been successful, and Mario Kart wasn't the first one, but Mario can't do no wrong.) Seriously, your game SUCKS, and I haven't even played it yet, let alone see any gameplay footage!
And now, because of you, there's almost no way to save the series.
And there are people who THINK that the Sonic series is OKAY? That there's nothing damn wrong with the damn series? Come ON, people, what are you thinking?! Do you have BRAINS of Einstein? Sonic's in decline and has been since SA2, and you know it!
Now what am I going to do?
Wait. I know how to save the franchise.
Sega, the series must return to the classic roots.
Everything from the Modern Series must go. Everything past Sonic Adventure 2 must be abandoned and renewed.
First, return the physics of Classic Sonic. Make him take physics class and have him do his homework and weight training exercises instead of the treadmill most of the time.
Next, pinball techniques. Sega, you have great arcade-style games, so why can't you incorporate it back into Sonic?
More platforming. Force him to wait at the train station and stay there until he can go to the next level, which is upstairs in the mezzanine.
Multiple paths, too, Sega. Make the stages more like a maze, so the game can become very confusing to follow.
Also, return the SLOW Sonic. Mario and Sonic were almost the same speed in the Classics. Make Sonic a little more like Mario again, when Sega and Nintendo were rivals and not friends. In fact, make Sonic's speed snail-like. Make him as fast as Big the Cat.
Sega, you can't do wrong with all of these. Take the level designs and ideas from the Classics and place them in the Modern games. Any innovations and interesting ideas from the Modern games now that do NOT follow the Classic roots SUCK and are absolute and automatic FAILURES.
In fact, Sega, do something better.
Please, PLEASE throw away all the effort from after Sonic 3 & Knuckles and restart the series from there. Screw the designers who made the Sonic games after S3&K. They haven't played a Sonic game at all. Dissing all the designer's hard work, your current, and former employees by removing the current Modern games from the timeline like yesterday's trash is important to making the series good again. Act as if the events after S3&K never existed! The 90% of the people who think that the Sonic continuity should recognize the Modern games are morons and aren't actually Sonic fans.
Sorry, fellas, but Sonic's games aren't masterful today, because S3&K is GOD, and no other Sonic game has topped that. I worship you, S3&K! *bows*
Also, Sega, there are too many Sonic characters! Have the games be exclusive to only a few characters: Sonic, Tails, Knuckles, Amy, Metal Sonic, and Eggman ONLY. Change Eggman's name back to Robotnik. Every other character outside these don't belong. No more one-time characters, please!
This includes Shadow. Shadow ruins the liking to almost EVERY Sonic game that he's in. He ruined Heroes, ShtH, Next Gen, and Black Knight. He even ruined Riders, and he was only a multiplayer-available character! Shadow's helping you ruin your franchise, Sega! This stupid Sonic clone that Sonic Team created needs to be shot with the guns from ShtH and burned in HELL!
Also, return the old classic designs of the characters, too. The new designs are NOT like the characters at all. The new designs do NOT fit them. They're "fakes" of the TRUE versions of them: the Classic ones.
Sonic's not a hedgehog anymore. Tails doesn't look cute anymore. Eggman's not ruthless anymore; he's a clown now. Knuckles is now a rapper gangsta. Amy's now an annoying little witch.
Sega, you RUINED them in the Modern games, but if you return them to their classic designs and remove all the character development from the latter games and all the progress made in the series, then they'll be lovable again.
Unfortunately, that will never happen. Sega will never listen to me, because the company's full of greedy ingrates who sell Sonic for money. And Sonic Team's willingly involved in Sega's scam. The dopes at Sega KNOW I'm right, but they'll never admit it.
So now I turn to you people. Whine to Sega. Please, force Sega return to Sonic's classic roots. Become major Classic Sonic jackasses and pessimists and convince everyone to bash Modern Sonic, and make them like it. Make your cries so venomous, so irrational, that hopefully Sega will get your messages that that they'll finally listen to the real Sonic fans -- the Classic purists and Sonic pessimists.
I was wrong, they were right. I was a fanboy, because I liked the Modern series more than the Classics before. But now I've changed.
I've become a TRUE Sonic fan!
And I'll begin to show my loyalty to Classic Sonic by creating work that praises the Classics and bashes the Moderns. I'll even bash my "Defense of Modern Sonic" essay to prove it. Heck, why not? How about laugh at those who believe that the series is okay the way it is?
And to the neutrals, Modern Sonic fans, and others who disagree with me, which makes up about 95% of the fanbase, well, SCREW YOU!
So, who's with me?